How To Conquer The Shyness Within

I used to be a very shy person. When I was in high school, I would walk down the hallways while staring at my shoes. It’s not that my shoes were just so darn attractive - I feared that if I made eye contact with someone, that person would force me into conversation, and it would be painful. My brain wouldn’t work, I’d start to sweat buckets, and if I did manage to say something, it wouldn’t make any sense (like, "My arms aren’t always this straight, you know.").

I was a pathetic case, all right.

But I got better. For all you shy and introverted people out there, there is hope.

First of all, let’s distinguish between being shy and being introverted. There is a difference, though often the two go hand in hand. In a nutshell, being shy means that you’re uncomfortable having attention on you. Being introverted means that you draw your energy from alone time (being by yourself). On the other hand, extraverts get their energy from interacting with other people. Typically, if you’re shy, you’re also introverted. But you can be introverted, and not necessarily shy (or not terribly so, anyway).

I am both. When I was younger, my shyness was the stronger of the two. I wanted to interact with other people; I wanted a boyfriend and friends to talk to and laugh with, like I saw everyone else doing, but I just couldn’t make my tongue work when it came to actually speaking words. I am less shy now, but probably more introverted. I like my alone time. It may have to do with being a stay-at-home mom with 3 kids always badgering me. But I’m just guessing here.

So what did I do to overcome my shyness? I practiced. I forced myself to engage in conversation. I forced myself even though I ended up saying some really stupid things. I’d accidentally switch two words around or say something I really didn’t mean at all like, "I just love orange pop!" I hate orange pop. But I was probably trying to impress someone drinking orange pop. Dumb, huh? Mistakes are going to happen, though. The good thing is that most people either don’t notice them, or if they do, don’t care. If they do care and belittle you for it, then they’re not who you should be hanging out with. Plain and simple. That took me a long time to learn.

I found that a good place to practice is to join an informal group of people who are talking and chattering (you know, those outgoing types). There was no pressure to talk, I could just sit and listen if I wanted. But I knew I had to practice, so, when I was ready and there was a lull, I contributed something (after thinking it through and then rehearsing it a hundred times). Once the words were said, I could safely retreat.

Here are some more tricks I tried: If I had to make a phone call, which I hated doing like the plague, I’d write what I needed to say on a notecard. That way I had the relevant details (like my name) right in front of me when my mind would go blank (in the beginning, it inevitably did). I also used cognitive exercises, telling myself that the person I was talking to didn’t know me, didn’t really care, anyway, and just wanted to take my pizza order. I practiced in the mirror. I told myself that I didn’t look any funnier than the next person (even if I did, who cared?). I had to be my own personal cheerleader. It wasn’t easy and I worked like mad at it. My ego took some real beatings (and funnily enough, I was the one doing the beating), but eventually I got better.

As I grew more confident, I took on bigger challenges. I got a little crazy with it, though, because one of the things I decided to do when I was a sophomore in college was volunteer to be in a debate in front of 200 freshmen - twice. There were other people there and I somehow managed to speak my piece and even defend it. No one booed me. No one told me that my hair looked funny. I survived. Life was getting easier, I thought. Then, as a member of this particular committeee, I foolishly agreed to give a speech to a roomful of deans, provosts, professors, and college presidents. I was 19. I was very grateful for the full-length podium because one of my legs shook like mad during the entire speech. But I got through it, shaky leg and all, and they even laughed in all the right places.

It wasn’t easy to do these things and everything in me rebelled against them. But still I forced myself to take part in socializing and speech giving. Somewhere inside me I knew that I would have to overcome this problem of mine if I wanted to achieve some of the things I wanted to do in life (like get a boyfriend - I know it’s not all about getting a man, but come on!). Actually, I just got tired of being lonely and ignored and overlooked. If I wanted to be heard, I was the one who was going to have to force the issue. No one was going to do it for me.

Remember this phrase: Fake it until you make it. Some experts don’t agree on this, or have come up with other phrases, but basically I think this one is the best. You have to act like you know what you’re doing, even when you don’t - especially when you don’t. Eventually, you actually will - for the most part. I’m not saying be fake or not yourself, just pretend that you can do this stuff. You really can put your thoughts into words. Take chances in talking to people - maybe start with your grocery bagger. "Those sure are some nice plastic bags." Or, "Do you think I should try out the renewable ones?" Most people are relatively forgiving and patient and are willing to help you along. Okay, maybe not in high school - that’s just a jungle, but maybe more so in the outside world. You will probably come across a lot of shy people out there who can empathize with you and want to help you. If you come across a meanie - and you will - then move on because they aren’t worth your time, and are probably just as miserable as you are (or worse, so count your blessings!).

Being shy is not a bad thing. But when it controls your life and keeps you from achieving the things you want, then something has to change. Remember when you learned how to ride a bike or to read or write? You had to practice at it. It wasn’t easy. There were a lot of falls and broken pencil leads, but you kept trying, right? This is the same thing. Just keep in mind that you’ve spent a lot of your life being shy; it’s going to take some time to unlearn some old and very strong habits.

But I believe you can do it! Now just believe in yourself.

Humor...It's Not Just For Laughter

I like to think of myself as a pretty funny person. I also like to think of myself as a princess. Can you see where this is going? The point is, others might not agree with me. At times, I believe I achieve a level of humor in my writing. Meet me in person, on the other hand, and it’s not pretty. I make rocks look exciting.

Thank goodness, I’m not the only one who has this problem.

You see, for those of us who think we should be more outgoing, witty, or clever while interacting with other people, take a look at the other people. Unless you’re a comedian - and they have writers, or have prepared all their jokes ahead of time (I’d like to see how they do on the fly), you’re probably like me. Rather bland in conversation. Most people, when you talk to them, especially just in passing, aren’t all that entertaining, either. Maybe we need to learn that conversation can be mind numbing and that’s okay.

However, just in case it’s not okay to be boring, I’ve decided to come up with a plan of attack. Well, I tried to hire a joke writer, but since all the writers are out on strike, I’m SOL (sadly out of luck). I had to look to myself, and to my kids to help me out.

Here’s what we came up with…any conversation mentioning butts, farts, burps, bad smells (which aren’t always farts), nakedness, or all of the above combined, is sure to elicit bellyfuls of laughter (as least from the 10 and under crowd).

How about with adults, then, you might ask? Global warming? No, too depressing. Our kids? No, too competitive. Politics? No, too aggravating. What do we adults have to talk about that doesn’t lead us to want to end it all?

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is nothing. Nothing at all. So that’s why I’m going with my kids on this. At least my conversations will be interesting. Juvenile, but a lot of fun. So, if we happen to meet, and I start running on about the longest fart I’ve ever heard, I advise you to just go with it.

I’m sure you have a similar story of your own!

The Art of Transition: How to Make Your Writing Flow

I posted this writing workshop blog on my MySpace page and got such good feedback that I thought I’d post it here, too.

Hey, everyone! I’ve put together a workshop designed to help other writers learn from my mistakes. Try to do the exercises yourself before looking at the suggested changes.

One of the hardest things about writing well is achieving what I call flow. What does that mean? Giving a rhythm to your writing. When you read a book, each word, sentence and paragraph flows into the next one, right? If it doesn’t, it’s jarring to the reader. Good storytellers don’t just have a good story, they know how to tell it. Look at the troubadours. They actually followed a distinct verse form.

My personal experience. People who generously agreed to read my earlier work would often tell me right away that they liked the story. But when they said this, there was a certain lack of enthusiasm. When I pushed them on it, they could never quite put their finger on what the problem was. Something was wrong, but they didn’t know what. So I had to figure out what that was. In the end I realized that while I had the basic stuff down, there was no rhythm to my writing.

And that’s bad…

So what interrupts or impedes flow?

- too many words in a sentence, or not enough (sentence imbalance)
- action is not clear or is incomplete (you left something out)
- scene or character is not clear or is incomplete (out of character)
- sentences and paragraphs do not connect (either you are missing something,
or there is no transitional word or phrase: Connectors)
- repetitive use of words
- sentences are all the same length

So how does one achieve flow?

1. Edit. The dreaded ‘E’ word. You might not want to hear this, but you have to be a ruthless editor of your writing, especially if you are just starting out. Unfortunately, it can be very hard to edit your own work. Why is that?

- As humans, we often tend to fill in things that aren’t there. It’s a trick of perception. We tend to do the same things as writers. We tell people, “I know what I wanted to say…” But you didn’t say it! That leaves the readers feeling lost and that interrupts flow.

Here’s what I do when I edit…

- Focused Reading. Read the sentence slowly, listening to it in your mind. Make changes. Re-read. Make changes. Go to next sentence. Read sentence 1 and 2 together. Make changes. Re-read. Make changes. Go to sentence 3. When you are finished with a paragraph. Re-read it and then go right to the next one. Get the picture?

Every time you make a change, it can throw off the rhythm of your work. Even just one word can make a difference.

- Read your work out loud, either to yourself or to somebody else (which I think is better), with a pen handy.

- Be prepared to cut stuff. If you read something, and edited it again and again, and it still just doesn’t quite sound right, it’s got to go. It will be hard. It’s like throwing out a batch of cookies because they’re slightly burned. Good enough, I always say! But we all know that those cookies just aren’t right.

Exercise: Tell me what’s missing and/or what should go…

Jim picked up the ax and began to chop wood like a woodchuck could chuck wood. But before he could really get into it, there was a shout behind him. It was Rachel! He ran to his daughter and enveloped her in a big hug.

*On the surface, it looks all right. But look at it more closely…

Jim picked up the ax and began to chop wood [delete like a woodchuck could chuck wood]. But before he could really get into it, there was a shout behind him. He swung around. It was Rachel [if he doesn’t swing around, how else is he going to know it’s Rachel - wood chopping is loud]! Dropping the ax [you don’t want to accidentally chop her head off, do you?], he ran to his daughter and enveloped her in a big hug.

2. Visualize your words. We live in the age of TV and movies. Use that to your advantage. Imagine your story being made into a movie. When there is action, for example, visualize what your character(s) would be doing, the expressions on their face, their visceral reactions (what’s their body doing?). Mentally or literally, close your eyes and be that person. Put yourselves in their shoes.

3. Make the thesaurus your friend (the book and/or computer). You don’t want to use the same words over and over again. I have a list of words that I can use for ‘said’… Rambled, stuttered, snarled, shouted, whispered. For ‘moving’… Shambled, limped, scurried. Don’t be repetitive in your words, especially within a sentence or paragraph. Readers pick up on repetition and don’t like it! Make your own lists!

4. Transitional words and phrases:

- Words: However, but, and, although, though, then, yet, fortunately or unfortunately, when, because, besides, as, beginning a sentence with a verb (Yanking the door open, she ran from the room), adverbs to balance the sentence (He was remiss in his duties. He was sadly remiss in his duties), etc.
- Phrases: Even worse, Better still, More than that, Luck would have it, after all, all the same, by the way, etc.
- Sentence breakers: she realized, he thought, he laughed, etc. Nobody truly understood her ideas, she realized, but that wasn’t going to stop her from saying them out loud.
- Italics: Use for emphasis – can change the rhythm of your sentence
- Punctuation: semi-colons, commas, ellipses, dashes – can change rhythm
- Don’t use this, that or it too much (or for that matter, her, his, they, them). That really made him mad. To... That endless ranting of hers really made Jose mad.

Exercise:

Jake really wanted that bike. It wouldn’t be that expensive if he used all his savings. It was his money.

Suggested changes:

Jake really wanted that bike. It wouldn’t be that expensive, he told himself, if he used all his savings. It was his money, after all.

4. Move things around. I find myself rearranging sentences a lot. End to the beginning. Middle to the beginning. And so on. See previous sentence. You could write, If he used all his savings, he told himself, it wouldn’t be that expensive.

5. Have someone else read your work; someone you trust. Make changes, then get a fresh reader to read it through.

6. Critique other books/writings as you read them, especially in the genre you want to write in. What words and transitional phrases did they use? How long were their sentences and paragraphs? What kind of description did they use? Dissect their work.

7. Set your work aside for a while. Edit, then leave it for a couple minutes, hours, days, weeks. When you’ve worked long enough, your brain gets tired. You start filling things in that aren’t there. Sometimes all you need
to do is stretch and get a snack!

Exercise:

3. The sound of a scream rent the air. It was night. Dan heard the sound and ran toward the basement. He looked down into the darkness. He ran down the stairs and flung open the door. He saw her. She was dangling from chains bounding her wrists. He ran over and opened the clasps. She was free. But not for long. There were footsteps on the stairs.

Suggested changes:

A desperate scream rent the heavy night air. Hearing the vibrating tremor of fear, Dan dashed toward the sound. It was coming from the basement. The door was open and he peered down into the darkness, blinking nervously. The bellow of terror, more animal-like now, came again and he forgot his fear. No time to find a light, he realized, as he pounded down the creaky stairs. No time…
The solid door, when he came to it, was unlocked. It was a strange bit of luck, but he didn’t stop to question it. Flinging the heavy barrier open, he paused. The dark was as debilitating as a blanket over his head. He couldn’t see a thing. Fortunately, his hearing still functioned; he took a moment to listen. It wasn’t long before he heard her labored breathing filling the almost airless space.
She was straight in front of him. Without wasting another precious second, he made his way cautiously toward her in the dark. “I am here, my darling,” he panted, trying to reassure her, but there was no response. She had fainted. Or at least he hoped that was all she had done.
When he reached her, he found the ropes bounding her wrists were too tight to untie. Thankful for the Boy Scout training that had been forced on him as a child, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his Swiss army knife. Quickly, carefully, he sawed through the thick ropes. Sounds from above told him he didn’t have much time. He worked more quickly, cutting himself. He didn’t have time to do anything about the stinging wound either, just let himself bleed. A few seconds later, his wife was free. She collapsed into his arms, waking as she did so. “You’re safe,” he told her, holding her tight.
“Not for long,” she answered back with a tired sigh. She, too, had heard the footsteps on the stairs.

I hope this helps. Good luck and keep writing!

©2007 Kristina Schram